Like most people who work with words, and many who don’t, I adore the English language. Its binding power underpins everything I do professionally and personally and my use and misuse of it, and that of others, has brought me applause and condemnation, pain and pleasure, gratification, wealth, poverty, sex and love at different points throughout my life.
And I am not one of those who is against its evolution. I’m as fascinated by the dialect of young people today, and the influence of immigration, as I was the quirks of my grandfather’s rural Yorkshire tongue or the fastidious rules surrounding RP.
But all this doesn’t mean I don’t find some terminology extremely irksome. Sometimes it’s the phrase or word that winds me up, other times it’s a case of familiarity breeding contempt - of both the saying and its uncreative user - as repetition renders it agonising to the ears. So in an attempt to exorcise my hatred of some of these, before I lunge at the jugular of the next person who utters one, I thought I’d share a few of them. Hope you enjoy:
5) Business can be quite engaging, fun even. You get to meet some interesting people and if you’re lucky, make a few quid into the bargain. But business is not rock n roll. In fact, it is the very antitheist of rock n roll. So if you are going to give a talk on the challenges facing Llandudno’s tourist industry during the winter months or your firm’s latest CSR policy, to a room of grey-suited business people, please do not describe it as a gig. If I go to a gig, I expect loud guitars, dark, dingy surroundings and exotic dancing women. I do not want sighs of desperate boredom, hotel conference suites and middle-aged men. Regardless of how successful you are, you are not a rock star. You are not cool. You are giving a talk, not doing a gig.
4) Mafting. I had never heard this word until I came to Hull. To normal people, it means, “I’m a little on the warm side dearest, would you mind awfully if I opened a window?” However, mafting is far more versatile than that. According to the urban dictionary, users can combine it with other words to make it infinity more expressive. For instance, if mafting appears its own, it merely means you are sufficiently warm to be able to fry on egg on your leg. Bloody mafting means you are so warm you would be able to roast a turkey on your leg. The most severe manifestation of the condition is naturally, fucking mafting. This means your leg is of such a high temperature, it would be capable of smelting gold. The dictionary makes no reference to other parts of the body.
This word grates on me in the same way as accidently angle grinding my hand did that time. It is one of the ugliest and most crass words ever to appear in the history of language, and should, along with everyone who uses it, be confined forever to Room 101.
3) I’m not being funny, but …
Damn right you’re not. I particularly despise this phrase because it is employed almost exclusively by supercilious people who think they have something important to say. Inevitably, however, they don’t. In my experience, PAs tend to be the biggest fans of this expression.
2) Oh My God; OMG; any other incarnation thereof, written or spoken. In the same way that you don’t have to be posh to be privileged, you don’t have to be poor to be a chav. Take footballers for instance – some of the highest paid people in the country and the vast majority of them, and their vacant orange-glow wives, are chavs of the first order. The same is true of anyone who uses this phrase. You know who you are and you’re only letting yourself down. Stop it.
1) Finally we get to it, the word I find most offensive in all the world … chuffing. When I hear it I feel physically sick. Contained in this insidious combination of letters are all the ills of British society. Banish it and Britain could be great once more. Allow it to remain and the broken society will forever blight us.
This is not by any means a comprehensive list but I do feel better for getting it off my chest. Those that almost made it include: Thanks for your input; fricking; using “I was like” instead of ”I said”, and; whatever.
If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this post, please get in touch, I’m thinking of producing the definitive work on abnoxious terms.
In the meantime, we could all do worse than remembering the no-so-annoying words of American humourist Robert Benchley, who once commented: “Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”
And yes, it is something I ought to have heeded before embarking on this post.
Nick,
Love this.
Made me ‘lol’ (one for the list); in addition to ‘literally’, ‘ta-ra’, ‘bob it in’ and ‘what’s up?’ to name but a few that wind me up.
I think you should create a more comprehensive list and add to it weekly. However I can see it becoming a somewhat lengthy list, especially as you are exposed to the obscenities which come out of the mouths of ‘Ull folk.
Ta-ra
Megan
How about these to add to your definitive work?
Interfacing – as in ‘I interfaced with…’. No you didn’t, you met with and spoke with a real person, you are not a computer terminal, moron.
Thinking outside the box – no, I am just being more imaginative than you could even hope to be.
The C word – it’s just not cool, it doesn’t matter when it is used.
Dunno – squashing two words into one is not big or clever.
I appreciate your sentiments in this post!
Some excellent suggestions there ladies. LOL, ta-ra, I interfaced with, thinking outside the box and dunno definitely make the definitive work – expect you’re complimentary copies in the post shortly!
Thanks for your input.
Nothing wrong with the C word
OMG I distinctly remember you using the term ‘mafting’ the other day. I assumed you were being funny but now I actually think you may have accidentally allowed it into your general vocab (yes I shortened a word to make it annoying). Very scary.
I can assure you buggerlugs I have never uttered that word, and if I have, I was being highly ironic. I think you were talking to someone else, either it wasn’t me or I wasn’t myself!
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