Sex, Lies and Videotapes

Working as I do for a principally a B2B consultancy, I’ve never yet had to orchestrate the “surprise” release of a sex tape to get a client up the news agenda.

In fact, looking like they do, I can only pray none of them have ever made one.

As PR stunts go they’ve become a prerequisite of a new album or film launch, or even for F-list celebs no longer getting the attention they so desperately crave.

I don’t mind when it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian, or even Pamela Anderson at a push, but the latest offerings are enough to make any self-respecting person poke out their eyes with a knitting needle.

Gargling teenage boy-freak Justin Bieber and aging moustachioed bandana fan Hulk Hogan both seem to think this type of publicity is for them – Bieber to promote his latest single and Hogan to revive a flagging career.

And they’ve both gone to great lengths to hide the fact they’re orchestrated stunts rather than accidental occurrences of which they are the victims. Indeed, in Bieber’s case, it is doubtful any such tape exists but that hasn’t stopped him manufacturing the rumour.

But they’re fooling no-one. Like “stolen” MI6 laptops, celebrity sex tapes or rumours thereof never emerge by accident.

That isn’t what concerns me, however. No, what annoys me most is that they are ruining a classic genre. I mean if a eunuch* and a human gargoyle have turned to sex tapes for publicity where will it all end? Will Ann Widdecombe announce her return to top-tier politics with a leaked re-enactment of the juicier passages in 50 Shades? Should toothless genius Shane MacGowen ever write another song, will he promote it with an amateur clip of him fumbling naked abreast some unfortunate street urchin?

If Gary Glitter wanted to make a return to pop music would he … err no, let’s leave that one right there.

It’s for this reason I want an unspoken rule introduced, governing celebs and their flacks, that no-one aesthetically challenged should be allowed to inflict upon an unsuspecting public a sex tape.

Surely this is the only way to ensure standards remain high in this popular form of promotion and that we, the unsuspecting public, are never exposed to images that would scare a Victorian freak show owner while innocently browsing the latest celebrity gossip.

*I would like to point out, for legal reasons, that to the best of my knowledge Justin Bieber is NOT a eunuch.

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